i dont think i can handle being happy or excited it makes me feel like my hearts gonna explode and ill go into cardiac arrest. its fun but it just makes me feel like im dying lol
(note to self: i wrote this awhile ago and is titled less nicely as "skitzo rant". this wasnt writen for this blog i just wanted to put it here because i felt like it adds more context to how i feel right now for future reference.)
i feel like theres 5 different parts of me that are all me but distinctly not aswell.
my brain is what throws the thoughts at me and my sub conscious to sort and figure out. i know those thoughts are all me too but ive built up a congnitive dissonce from my "brain" probably due to truama, intrustive thoughts, and paranoia. i feel the same way about my body for simlar reasons.
your conscious is what everyone hears the most. the little voice in ur head n stuff. i dont think i need to explain how i feel about this one because i think its pretty clear. its just me. a slightly more refined me compared to what comes out of my mouth. i feel like trying to convey what im feeling or even want to say is like trying to get through a filter of sluge. when my thought gets through its not the way i originally thought of it and its covered in goop but at least its out i guess.
my sub conscious is all the unrefined self. my brain and my sub conscious probably sound similar but i like to veiw my sub conscious as what provides the unspoken context i need to think normally. i like to think of this "unrefined self" as like raw materials. crystals that arent fully harevested yet, compared to my conscious being something like a tumbled crystal thats shapped into a sphere, and how i outwardly present like a dyed quarts rock you can get at gift shops. i have a lot more thoughts on this but its hard to get out. i feel the most like my conscious and sub conscious. everything else i find it hard to find connection to.
i think trying to figure out my congnitive dissonce to my body made me realize something. the less i have control over an asspect of myself the less it feels like me. that sounds pretty obvious but it really isnt something ive thought about to much. i can control some aspects of my body i cant really change the things that would matter to me. i think i generally like my appearance. but it doesnt feel like me it feels like what i have to live in. this is a pretty common feeling but its been affecting me more and more recently since ive been getting harassed for being to "provactive" at church. (i church i dont like and could really go with out since im not religous.) suddently all the progress i had made about my body being mine melted away before my eyes. ive always felt less than human compared to everybody else ever since i gained thought. + gender dysphoia is not a good combo. i feel so disant from my body most of the time. all of this is exsaerbated when im in pain. sometimes i feel like my body is just for other people, not even in a sexual way. just in a way i cant discribe that probably have something to do with the church.
went home early on the trip. i wasnt feeling well, i still am not :[.
i have some thoughts though.
my dad doesnt hit me or tells me he wishes i was never born. im lucky for that but its in the other things. he doesnt take me to the doctor and it takes harassment from 3 different people to do it (im getting an appointment for the first time in almost 4 years). when i cry he groans and rolls his eyes and yells at me. when im generally upset he gets mad at me and tells me im being impossible. he makes vague threats when i want to change my appearance or have opinion in a way he doesnt like. only complements me when im hyper femme and gives me disgusted, embarrassed looks when i dress masc . when i want to go to in person school he says im not cut out for it so he can keep me home schooled. he denies help from my mom sighting that she doesn't have custody over me. is generally disgusted with my transness saying that i was tainted and that i needed to be home more to avoid being misguided. he throws and hits things, not at me so i have no right to be scared of him. he takes all his anger out on me. trying to make EVERYTHING seem like its my fault and then gaslights me when i say what he does is hurtful. i am a inhumane creature thats always wrong, a liar, a cheat and a manipulator. but im also so bright and smart and mature to know all that myself so he doesnt need to say it. im a coward for being suicidal but maybe im just not cut out for this world if i "keep acting like this".
suicide is the ultimate cry for help, but you will never see that love youd gain from your death. so i try to stay content with being the uncared for living rather than the understood dead.
tomorrow i leave for my trip. its getting hotter. there was a very bad storm a few days ago that knocked out my power all the next day. i played games i didnt like. i talked to people i love. i get new bad news everyday. life is moving forwards at a steady pace and im getting better at rolling with the punches. i feel more mature everyday. its one of those phases in life where im having to learn quick. it feels like being thrown in a lazy river with no raft to relax on.
as of recent my motto has been "ill live." and i will.
my dad doesnt have many friends so im basically inheriting every single thing that he owned when he dies. even though hes still alive, every song, book, game and movie hes introduced me to already feels haunted by him. i dont know how ill feel when his collections become mine.
also i chiped my tooth, and its the one cloest to my front teeth. it doesnt hurt to bad but im worried when it does. or if itll become worse.
went to see across the spiderverse yesterday for a friends birthday and it was AMAZING like expected, cried like a baby, anyways... said friend was TALKING the whole movie. which ive seen movies with him before, i know he does this, but ITS ACROSS THE SPIDER VERSE WHY ARE YOU TALKING?????
me and those friends are also going to a summer camp thing florida in 15 days. im not excited about being a trans person in florida,but anything to get out of the house. its a church thing, which, im not religous im just forced to go to church bc of my family and i also work there. all of us are in that same boat so thats what kinda formed our trio.
ive been at that church for awhile, but this is actually the first year im going. i havent been able to go ever bc i always get hit with some sort of health emergency right before. and every year they ramp up a notch. last year was ALMOST dying... so lets hope i dont actually die this year.